Florida Project: Gondolier Pizza

While visiting Clearwater Beach, we Ate at Gondolier Pizza. They offer Pizza, Italian, tons of deserts. They have a seating area with glass ceiling overlooking pool, or one that looks at the ocean across the street, or outside dining on the porch. Excellent TV's. Excellent food. We wanted to return for dinner too! you can find this restaturant in Clearwater Beach across from the ocean front hotel Wyndham Garden.

Florida Project: The Book of Poo

We awoke Monday morning to a chirping fire alarm. The problem is the ceilings of the house are vaulted twenty feet at the peak, and the chirping fire alarm was easily 15 feet above the floor. I checked and there was no ladder in the house. I had to make that chirping noise stop. It was driving me nuts! Not to mention, I hadn't had any coffee and I was being a little vindictive about the chirping waking everyone.

I dragged over the glass dinning room table and stood on it, being careful to stand only on the table's support beams. But I still should not reach it!

Against Linda's protest, I next set the living room coffee table atop the glass table. If this didn't work, my plan was to place a dinning room chair on top the coffee table. But that wasn't necessary. I carefully climbed the mound of furniture, balanced myself, and then opened the fire alarm's battery door thus ending the relentless chirping.

 

The plan for Monday was to visit Clearwater Beach on the Gulf Coast. Clearwater was an amazing two hour trip from the house. Unlike New York highways, I4 is in incredibly good condition. The highway passed through expanses of country and farm land providing a view of Florida we had never seen before. As we approached Tampa, there was massive construction to expand the road.

The highway snaked past the Tampa skyline with vibrant thriving businesses supporting the economy (unlike the contacting upstate New York economy). We were soon on a highway with large views of seawater on both sides of the road. Clearwater is an island just off the coast accessed by a long road and bridge, the entire area of which is lined with beautiful condos, villas, time shares, and hotels.

After a light lunch of pizza at an Italian restaurant, we went onto the white sandy beaches at Clearwater. Clearwater is incredible but has just two problems: parking and birds. It was difficult finding a place to park the van. And the beach is covered with birds who attack for food, swoop down in large flocks, and squawk endlessly.

The official report? No tarballs. Several years ago there had been an oil spill in the gulf and no one wanted to visit these shores for the fear that oil, in the form of tarballs, would wash up on shore.  There were no tarballs. Only a packed beach, white sand, and blue water.

First order of business at the beach? Suntan lotion to ward off the hot sun. We use SPF 400 (you apply it with a putty knife). The boys were completely covered in lotion except someone (ok, it was me) forgot to do their chests and the boys came home a little pinker than when we arrived.

I was spreading the lotion on myself when I noticed a large white splotch of lotion had dripped onto the back of my leg. I took it, rubbed it on my legs, chest, and was rubbing it into my shoulder when I noticed the lotion had a different consistency than I was used to. It was thicker, sticky, and had a bad odor. "Oh My God", I said when I realized what happened. "I just rubbed bird poop all over me." The thought of this plus the smell was making that pizza lunch back up and I felt I might barf right there on the crowded beach. I needed to get into the Gulf of Mexico and wash it off!

I stepped into the surf. The temperature was like warm bath water. When I was ankle deep, I notice a school of very small fish (each the size of my pinky) swimming around my feet. I have a friend who lives in Boca Raton and I was reminded what he told me. He fishes on the Atlantic side and knows what fish live along the shore because he has hooked and pulled them out. As a result, he won't go in the water deeper than ankle deep. In correlation, the life guard tower was flying a yellow "Aquatic life" warning flag. But , Ankle deep wouldn't wash off the bird poop. Besides, everyone else was in deeper. I decided to risk having some alien creature nibble off my toes. I went deeper so I could get the poop washed off.

After playing on the beach for four hours, I started getting a migraine. I sometimes get migraines if in bright sun and dehydration. It starts as lightning bolts in my eyes and if I don’t get aspirin right away? It progresses to a full headache.  The lightning bolts had grown until I was half blinded and I knew I needed to get medicine from the van right away. I asked Linda, “Where can I find the aspirin in the van?” She explained “Look under the jackets in the back seat. You’ll find a blue beach bag. Inside the beach bag is my purse. Open the purse and find my hip pocket. Inside the hip pocket is a bag…” and I thought – you lost me at the blue beach bag! I’m going to need a diagram for all of this bag within a bag nested doll activity!  By the time I finally comprehended all the layers I needed to dig through, I thought about asking where she put the water bottles, but decided I would be better off swallowing the aspirin dry.

 

The walk to the van was difficult because I was partially blinded by the lightning bolts. I found it easier to walk with my eyes closed and hope I didn’t run into anyone or anything.  I just used the force and the direction of the wind to guide me to the van. That, and hitting the lock button on the key made the van beep. I found the van. It was covered in bird poop. Clearwater has a very serious bird problem!

 

After getting medicated, I thought it wise to use the restroom. Clearwater has public toilets, or, restrooms of last resort as I call them. These are disgusting and have a long line waiting to use them. The toilets are over flowing and you have to stand in poo water on the floor while you use it. Honestly, you are better off just going out in the ocean. Whether it is number one or two, just go out deep and go because I have watched enough Finding Nemo to know these toilets empty into the ocean anyways. Nevertheless, I stood in poo water and used the public toilet.

 

I returned to the beach partially blind and attempted to find my family. The beach was very crowded, and where I thought we left the beach blanket wasn’t there. I walked up and down the beach searching. In one spot, some damn kids (probably my own) had dug a one foot deep hole that I stepped in. I expected solid ground under my foot. Instead I had nothing and I dropped and fell to my knees. If I wasn’t blind, I would have looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my humiliation. Instead, I stood, brushed myself off, assessed the pain in my ankle was minor, and continued on.

 

Eventually I did find my family. Linda had become concerned when I didn’t return right away, so, she went looking for me. She passed by while I was in the restroom of last resort. With my family found, I was able to lay down on the beach and rest while the lightning bolts went away and I was able to see once again.

 

We left the beautiful Clearwater beach, boarded into the van, and started the two hour drive home. We drove along the coast and through the country side, trying to take it all in. We came up behind a large tour bus on the highway. As we did, water started spraying from under the bus. Brown water. I had heard busses sometimes dropped their toilets onto the road, but I didn’t think that was legal.  Legal or not? Or van was sprayed with poo water.

 

We arrived home in the evening. All poo aside? We had a great trip to Clearwater Beach.

Florida project: the flood before the storm

My complaints about the cool damp weather in Florida were answered by our hottest day so far: 91, with humidity felt like 100.

We ate lunch before heading to the Magic Kingdom. Linda bought a large jug for making lemonade. The jug has a spout that only works if the large opening is removed on the top. Someone (who will remain nameless (OK, it was me)) loosened the large opening and never resealed it. Linda went to put the jug back into the fridge. She grabbed the handle and swung it off the counter. The cover immediately popped off having the effect of dumping two gallons of lemon aid across the kitchen. It didn't just hit the floor. Oh no. Linda was in a swinging motion so she flooded the cabinet doors and everything all the way into the breakfast nook.

In my defense? I might have left it uncorked. But I didn't dump all two gallons on the floor!  In my book, that was Linda's fault.

This is why you don't buy a vacation home and rent it out. You get idiots that will dump two gallons of lemonade all over the floor!

I heard Linda scream so I ran out of the bedroom and found myself standing in the lemonade flood. 

Two rolls of paper towels later and some severe ridicule from Linda, we now have the cleanest Lemonly fresh smelling kitchen in the neighborhood!

With the flood cleaned, we headed to the Magic Kingdom. It was very hot and the park smelled of humanity. I did a quick calculation and discovered - just from farting alone - visitors to the Disney Wirld produce 88,000 liters of methane per day! That means if anyone ever lit a match at the wrong moment? There would be a crater in Florida visible from space! This is the smell we were regularly entertained with.

Finally it rained to cool everything off. We saw the storm in the horizon so we headed for Cosmic Rays to wait out the storm. Cosmic Ray's was within sight when giant rain drops started bombarding us. We ran the remaining distance while Mark warned us "Running will only make you wetter". We got to the door and... There was no door handle! There was no way to open the door!  This was an exit only door. Are you kidding me? We had to run clear to the otherwise of this massive complex to find a door we could enter.

We were soaked, but in doors. It took about an hour for he storm to pass, afterwards temperatures dropped into the seventies and it was enjoyable. We rode as many rides as possible until closing.

We are getting used to these storms. They come and they go. Lets just hope we don't get used to lemon floods.

The Florida Project: Does Jesus eat at Wendy's?

We were exhausted after a day at Disney Quest. You wouldn’t think that playing video games would wear you out. But it did. Physically and mentally, we were exhausted. We slept-in Saturday and had a slow time of getting up and ready. Our plans for the day were to visit a Florida beach, however, with rain in the forecast, we decided to return to Hollywood Studios. We have done almost everything we wanted to do at Hollywood Studios, so, we didn’t need a lot of time there.

 

There was an open house in the neighborhood we are renting, so, we checked it out and had a nice conversation with a real-estate agent. We explained that our long term plans were to move to Florida when we retire and we are collecting as much information as we can so we can perform the proper analysis on making a perfect move. Our subdivision has many vacation homes, so, the neighborhood is usually half empty at any given time – which cuts down on traffic. The houses are well maintained to preserve their investment quality and encourage renters. The houses are 4 or 5 bedroom and cost $180K-$260K.  But she warned that the market is improving and prices are rising.

 

The real-estate agent explained that this time of the year, the humidity is very high. In the morning, it isn’t bad. But it increases throughout the day until it has built up in late afternoon causing rain the wash the humidity away. That is why we are seeing so much rain in the late afternoon and evening. That was true on Saturday when the sky opened and rain drops the size of golf balls bombarded the area. Luckily we were indoors – I wouldn’t want to have been hit by that rain fall!

 

There is an old story about Jesus knocking on your door disguised as a stranger. He asks for help as a test to see whether you are a good Christian. Who among us would turn away a stranger in need?

 

We were on our way to Hollywood Studios when we saw the rain coming and took shelter in a Wendy’s. In the booth behind us was an old guy talking very loud on a cell phone as to make sure the entire restaurant could hear him. According to his story, he lost his house in the Oklahoma tornado and the Red Cross relocated him to the Disney World area. But Florida doesn’t take Oklahoma Medicaid and his wife can’t get her $45 diabetes medicine and the insurance company won’t pay on his house until September. In rapid secession, he was calling various aunts and uncles and telling his story, quickly providing the statistics on the number of people who have been relocated, the numbers who can’t get medicine, and his plight. He ended every call asking them to pray for his sick wife at church. I was thinking about digging out $45 and giving it to the guy, but something kept telling me that this wasn’t right. Why was he calling all these people? Why was he being so loud? Why was he getting Medicaid? Why did he have a smart phone? Why would the Red Cross relocate him to Disney World? How can this old guy have so many aunts and uncles? He would often say “The tourists down here all laugh at us. But imagine if a tornado took away Disney World, what would they do?” He would often discuss all the children that were killed at the school by the tornado. This guy was scamming! He was sitting in restaurants trying to get people to give him money. In Rochester, the homeless stand on the corner and ask for money. It is too hot to stand outside in Florida. This guy had really upped his game!

 

I don’t know if the red cross relocates people to Disney World. I don’t know whether this guy’s wife needed $45 in medicine. I don’t know if that was Jesus and we are bad Christians. But it sounded fishy. We left Wendy’s feeling very guilty and debated in the car what we should have done. In the end, we made a donation to the Red Cross to ease our guilty conscious.

 

With our possible encounter with Jesus behind us, we made it to Hollywood Studios in the afternoon. There were only half a dozen rides we needed, so we had a good time at a slow pace. There is a Toy Story ride where you wear 3-D glasses and shoot at targets – balloons, plates, etc. While you are shooting, you are in a cart that whips you around a track. As we whipped around one corner, the cart jerked and Linda cracked her head into the back of the cart. Hopefully she didn’t get a concussion. Or maybe it would be good if she had a concussion because then I would own a little piece of the park after the law suit! I think we might try that ride again tomorrow.

 

Eating inside Disney World is very expensive, so, we decided to leave and eat “Off Property”. We went to Outback for a light late dinner. When the drinks arrived, I noticed my glass was dirty, so I sent it back. That was replaced with a second dirty glass. Then a third. And I noticed Linda’s glass was dirty too. Come to find out, this OutBack sells a lot of ranch dressing. The Ranch Dressing dispenser is next to the clean glasses and so the clean glasses keep getting sprayed with ranch dressing. I don’t know if that makes me feel any better about getting a dirty glass, but at least I know I won’t get sick. If you like ranch flavored beverages, this Outback is for you!

 

We returned home and, as I always do, I lead the group so I can unlock the house’s front door. The lock system is very interesting. There is a combination that you enter into a key safe which releases the door key. You then unlock the front door with the door key and take the door key with you inside the house. When you leave, you lock the front door with the door key, enter the combination, and return the key to the key safe. The first couple of days when we left the house, I was so concerned about the key safe’s lock combination that I would forget to lock the door! We would arrive home at the end of the day, I would lead the group and get the key and…. Gee…. I didn’t have to use the key to open the door! Thank God Linda doesn’t read this blog because she would kill me if she knew I left the front door unlocked on several days.

 

As we settled down to sleep, we couldn’t get that old guy at Wendy’s out of our mind. He was a really good scammer and almost had us believing him. But what if his story was real? We had made a donation to the red cross, which made us feel a little better. But what if that was actually Jesus sitting in the booth behind us?

Florida Project: Disney Quest

On Friday we went to Disney Quest. This is five floors filled with classic arcade games and some new ones. There are some simulators and a 3D shooting game. Overall it was a lot of fun and playing these games brought back great memories. Admission was expensive ($160 with our year pass) but we had unlimited game playing. When I was 12 in the 80's I would have died and gone to heaven at Disney Quest.

Florida Project: Wild Side BBQ

The plan for after work Thursday was to go to Disney miniature golf. Unfortunately we are still suffering the remnants of a tropical storm and it is no fun to golf in the rain.

We went to a restaurant named Wild Side BBQ for dinner. We ordered nachos for a starter and I ordered the Wild Side Platter, and everyone else ordered an assortment of items off the menu.

The nachos arrived on a plate that took half the table. It was piled with cheese, chili, and BBQ pork. I have never seen such a pile of nachos delivered as an appetizer. How do they expect people to eat all of this? Half way through the nachos I became concerned about my entre because I was filling up.

The entre arrived. the wildside plater was half a rack, Half a chicken, half a pound of pork, with fries and beans. It was not humanly possible to eat all the food that was placed in front of us. But that didn't keep us from trying!

After dinner we returned to the house. We spent the evening complaining about how much we had ate and pledging to only eat salads for the rest of the trip.

If you are ever in the area, I recommend the Wild Side BBQ. Just be careful how much food you order. It is very good and you will want to try to eat it all whether that is possible or not. It was so good that I was licking my fingers and had to avoid the temptation of gnawing my fingers off - that is how good it was. 

Florida Project: The Dunkin Donuts Flu

There is a pattern developing here in Florida. It seems sunny in the morning, cloudy in the afternoon, and rains on and off from late afternoon through evening. I hope this is just left over from the Tropical Storm and not how life normally is in Florida!

 

Yesterday, I came out of my office for lunch and found the kids in the pool. A loud crack of thunder echoed through the neighborhood and in one effort, my youngest leaped out of the pool and onto the patio. He knows he shouldn’t be in a pool during an electrical storm and is terrified of it. However, he left all his toys in the pool. So Linda shoved him back into the pool to retrieve the toys. Hay, threat of death from lightening or not, Gilberts don’t leave toys in a pool.

 

It appears we are going through a heat wave right now. Temperatures in New York hit 101 degrees yesterday! Here in Florida, which in known for its oppressive heat? It has been miserable. On Tuesday we hit 75 degrees. Yesterday 78 degrees. They are talking that we might break 80 degrees today. We went into a restaurant yesterday and had to put our jackets on. I don’t really understand how people can stand to live in Florida when it is so miserably hot out. Before you think the temperature differences between New York and Florida are an oddity? We experienced the exact same thing in July of 2011. Temperatures hit 100 degrees in Western New York while we were in the 80’s in Florida in 2011. It does get warm in Florida, but I think the heat complaints are overblown.

 

Yesterday after work, we decided to visit the communities around Alta Monte Springs to see whether this would be an area for consideration to move to when we retire. We toured two dozen neighborhoods in the surrounding areas, similar to what we did in Winter Gardens last week.

 

What we saw in our tour was that Alta Monte Springs has a lot of apartments. They also have low income houses mixed in with average income houses. We would go into a neighborhood and see seven nice houses in a row, and the eighth would have tall grass, junk in the driveway, and trash piled on the porch. Getting to some of the nice neighborhoods required driving through slums and poor neighborhoods. This mix of poor neighborhoods and nice neighborhoods can only lead to crime. In fact, we saw block after block of neighborhood watch signs, but we never saw a single police car patrolling.

 

There was one nice neighborhood around a lake. But to getting to it required driving through blocks of low value housing. We left the lake community a different way and in a different direction in search of the next house we wanted to see. The next house was only a quarter of a mile away. As we approached the street that had the house, we noticed there were several people standing on the corners and in the front yards of the intersection.

 

A little more than ten years ago, we visited Vegas and saw a drug operation on the Vegas strip. The drug operation had incredible efficiency. There was a front line of people who would approach a car when it pulled up and take their order. They turned to a second line of people who had a minimal amount of drugs on their possession. The second line would hand the drugs to the front line, and the front line exchanged it for cash. The cash would then go to a third line of people. A fourth line of people were the runners. They continually ran bags of cash from the third line, to some location a block away. The fourth line would return with bags of drugs to replenish the second line. A fifth line watched over everything and provided the security. This operation was held under the careful eye of the police, who stood on both ends of the line. The police observed the activity to make sure it stayed peaceful, yet were ready to crack some skulls if things go out of hand. If the police had chased the drug activity off the strip? The drug activity would have moved to another part of town away from the police’s careful eye, and the police would have a mess. Instead, under this situation, the inevitable activity could occur and maintain civil order.

 

I remember being fascinated as I watched this drug operation from across the Vegas Strip. But in Alta Monte Springs, as I approached that intersection, I wasn’t fascinated in the least. This operation was obviously not as efficient as Vegas. There were people on the corner handling the drugs and the cash. There was someone in the front yard handling security. And in the back yard of one of the houses it appeared to be where the large drug distribution was happening.

 

As I approached the intersection, Linda said “Kevin, what are you doing?” and I said “We need to turn down this street to see the house”. Linda said “No, just keep going. Don’t turn!” And I said “Don’t worry about it, these are just business men.” Naive or stupid, and perhaps a little of both, I turned at the intersection being careful not to give anyone “the eye”. Two houses further down was a second drug house. It was impossible to tell whether the second drug house was affiliated with the first, but obviously they had a booming business from the area’s affluent subdivisions.

 

We snuck past the second drug house and found the house we were looking for. It was a large beautiful inexpensive home sitting beside two houses that appeared ready to cave in. My assessment was this house must have burnt down or was somehow destroyed and was rebuilt in the neighborhood. Or perhaps this was the drug king pin’s house, for both drug operations could be observed from a large second floor window. In either case, we were obviously uninterested. Unfortunately, the house was at a dead-end. Our only way out was to return, passing by both drug operations. I turned the van around at the end of the road. The spectacle of a big New York red van attempting to “K” turn on the narrow dead-end became an attraction to everyone on the street. That really wasn’t what I wanted. We rolled down the street slowly, careful not to look anyone in the eye, and as soon as I was clear of the drug corner I hit the gas and flew back into a nicer neighborhood.

 

Needless to say, that ended our tour of the Alta Monte Springs area. We were completely unimpressed and had an hour’s drive down I4 to get back to our house. I decided I had better get some coffee for the long drive, so, we pulled into the Alta Monte Springs Dunkin Donuts. We were waited on by a lady in her early twenties with a really gross looking nose ring, and her entire face looked oddly swelled. Nevertheless, I ordered my coffee, half a dozen donuts, and some munchkins. After ordering, I used the restroom and then we all loaded into the van. As I pulled out of Dunkin Donuts, Linda said “We are not eating these donuts.” I said “I know what you mean, I need to drop a few pounds.” And she said “Well, yes, but, that isn’t what I mean. The lady who waited on us was sick. While you were in the bathroom, she was coughing and hacking all over the donuts on the rack and she blew her nose over the donuts and she never washed her hands. If we eat these we are all going to get sick!”

 

This news presents a serious problem for me. I had just spent $10 on donuts and coffee. We were on the ramp to I4. I couldn’t turn back. And if I could, what would I say? I want my money back because you have been coughing all over the donuts? We spent most of the trip home deciding whether or not we were going to eat the donuts. I was determined there was no way I was throwing $10 into the garbage. Linda, who was grossed out and using hand sanitizer just from touching the boxes, said there was no way she was catching the Dunkin Donuts Flu. To conclude the argument, I ate one of the donuts. I’m sure I won’t get the Dunkin Donuts Flu. I hope I don’t. This morning I woke up sneezing and with a scratchy throat. But I’m sure it isn’t the Dunkin Donuts Flu.

 

The decision about the donuts was now settled. I would eat all the donuts and the rest of the family would see if I got sick. Who ever won? Got the bragging rights.

 

We sailed down I4 heading through Orlando. Traffic was reasonable and we were able to do 65MPH. It was then I felt something crawling on my leg. We have already discussed our battle with roaches at the house. And we have discussed the revenge of the green beetles at Disney World. Bugs are a continual and regular presence in Florida. It is a fact of life. It is just something you have to deal with. But when I glanced down and saw this giant spider crawling on my leg, it was unnerving! I start swatting at it and stomping my feet trying to kill it and in the meanwhile I completely forgot that I was flying down the road at 65MPH. I’m brought back to my senses only by the honking horns of the cars that are dodging me.

 

“What is it?” Linda is screaming as I pull the van to the side of the road. I answer “A giant spider”. Now Linda is screaming.  The kids don’t know what is going on, so, they start screaming. Everyone is screaming as I get the van stopped. Linda grabbed the flashlight out of the glove box and we start searching the van for this spider. He has to be somewhere. And we can’t risk getting back on I4 and have the spider attack again. We searched under the dashboard, under all the seats, in the back. We can’t find it! Then I think to check the bottom of my shoe. I was stamping my feet – maybe I got it? Sure enough, there was the spider smeared on the bottom of my sneaker. With the spider crisis over, I ate one more donut and we pulled back onto I4.

 

I’ve written previously about how most houses in Florida have sprinklers to keep their lawn and bushes watered. And I wrote about how our house has a water cannon that is used to water the palm tree and the front yard. The sprinklers work according to some schedule that we have yet to figure out.

 

When we finally made it to the house, I pulled into the driveway and parked the van far to one side to avoid hitting the trash cans that sit in front of the garage door. Through timing that could not be practiced nor rehearsed, and could only have been planned by God himself, the water cannon flipped on about the time Linda opened her van door. The side window deflected most of the water, but enough of the water drenched her and the inside of the van.

 

I take all this as an omen. An omen that tells us Alta Monte Springs is not a place for us.  I am glad we took an hour to drive there and an hour back so we could see the area for ourselves. In the meanwhile... I am sneezing, scratchy throat, running nose... could I be coming down with the Dunkin Donuts Flu?