Florida Project: Fork and Screen

After work yesterday, we headed into DownTown Disney to  experience AMC’s Fork and Screen. This is where you watch a movie and eat dinner at the same time!

 

All the movies were sold out except for Disney’s Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger is Disney’s latest flop staring Johnny Depp. They attempted to recreate the Pirate of the Caribbean franchise. But instead they created a $200M loss. No one cares about westerns anymore. No one knows the actor who played The Lone Ranger. No one remembers the Lone Ranger. And they went for a younger audience but made the movie unnecessarily PG-13. They put too much crap into the movie that took away from the story. Mix that with a story that was suffering from ADHD, and you produce a very expensive flop – on the magnitude of John Carter.

 

The dining experience was nice. The chairs are similar to a lazy boy that reclines back allowing one to rest their legs on bars that run under the table. When it is time to eat, however, it becomes a challenge to sit on the edge of the seat so you can lean on the table. While the tables are dimly lit, it is nearly impossible to see anything. When you need the waitress, you press a button and wait, and wait, and forget she is coming and get back into the movie and then WHAM there she is. She gives you a quick 15 seconds to explain what you need before running away.

 

There is a challenge with eating in the dark. It didn’t know it until I put it in my mouth that my Macaroni and Cheese was covered in Ritz crackers. All I could do is sink my fork into the darkness of my bowl and hope I stabbed something I wouldn’t regret putting into my mouth. My son, who was dipping his French fries, kept accidentally dipping into the mustard!

 

The ticket prices were expensive, but not unreasonable (as movie tickets go these days) - $11 for a non 3d movie. As everyone knows by the popcorn and candy prices, eating at a movie is very expensive. And eating dinner is outrageous. Linda and I had Macaroni and Cheese (with chicken and bacon). Mark had a burger and Mike had a grilled cheese. We split deserts. With tax and tip it came to nearly $100 (not including the movie ticket).

 

Would I do it again? Probably not. I thought the idea of dining while watching a movie was a great idea. But now that I have experienced it? I think that eating a big bucket of popcorn better than trying to eat a dinner, and would be a lot cheaper.

Florida Project: Hollywood Studios

Disney's Hollywood Studios will forever be known as "MGM" to me, because, that is how it was originally named. I'm not going to necessarily change my thinking to match Disney marketing. It is MGM Studios.

 

Under a gray sky, we headed to MGM studios for the day. It was an odd kind of a day in that it would often rain, prompting us to dig the rain ponchos out of the backpacks. As soon as we put on the ponchos, it would stop raining. We would take the ponchos off, carefully fold and pack them away. And then it would rain again. We played this game all day – taking the ponchos out of the backpacks, and putting them back in. It was as if we were on a movie set and someone was playing a prank on us. After several hours of this game, we gave up. And decided to just get wet.

 

It is just as well that we stopped using the ponchos. People who know me know I like to pinch a penny. These rain ponchos are easily 13 years old and have never been cleaned. They get used once every couple of years, dried off, and then packed away. They smell. To say they were fowl would be an improvement to their actual smell. Removing them does not remove the smell from one’s body. So, each time I must go to the restroom and wash my hands. Washing one’s hands at Disney is impossible. Even though Florida is surrounded on three sides by water and dotted by hundreds of lakes, they must conserve water. When washing your hands, the automatic sinks disperse just one ounce of water in a spray. I know it is one ounce because I measured it in my water bottle. I can do a better job washing my hands by spitting on them. Which is what I often reverted to doing.

 

We devised a cleaver plan to avoid using ponchos every time it rained. When it rained, we would jump into the nearest store because all the stores on the street were interconnected. We would pass through from one store to the next until we reached the end of the street. Run across the street. Then into the next store.

 

The problem with this plan is that others would run to store too, take one step inside, and then stop – blocking the doorway from anyone else who would like to enter. They would gather their party together “It is really raining out there”. Well, no kidding! I’m still standing in it. Can you please move into the store? Others liked to stand in the doorway and watch people running up and down the street in the rain. I’m sure it was a great pastime activity, maybe they were watching for Brazilian blonds, I don’t know, but please don’t block the door while you are watching! There was one teen who was eating her ice cream in the middle of the door way. She was easily 1/3 my weight and I’m running through the rain charging right at her, thundering with each footfall. She didn’t even flinch as I barreled past. Are you nuts? If I had hit her, I would have knocked her clear into the next store!

 

Lunch at the Scifi Drive in was perfect. Other than Mike dropping his toasted cheese on the floor and then trying to pick it up so he can eat it, and the outrageous price ($9 for onion rings?), we love the SciFi Drive in.

 

We went to the Indiana Jones Stunt Show. Unfortunately, it had been raining and the set was wet so they need an abbreviated show. To make it worse, the show had some bugs in it. No, I mean, really, there were bugs. Insects. I was watching the show when I noticed a lady near me squealing,  jumping around, and smacking herself. I thought, perhaps, it was a medical condition. Until I saw the person next to her do the same thing. And very quickly, that entire section was on their feet, stomping their feet, squealing, and slapping themselves. I could see all these green beetles on the floor scurrying all around their bags and belongings. I became concerned…. For myself. I picked up my bag and slid away from the group. They grabbed their belongings and ran out of the theater. I thought… geez, that was really gross! But I didn’t bother to say anything when another couple saw the open seats and came to sit down in the bug infested row.

 

Just so you don’t think I am a horrible person for not mentioning anything about the bugs, let me explain what Disney is like in July. At Disney, English speaking natives are a minority. I don’t know why, but Spanish is the natural language in the land of Disney. Perhaps it is winter in South America so many visit Florida (we have seen huge tour groups from all around Latin America). Or perhaps the weak US dollar is encouraging travel. Whatever the case may be, chances are? If I said there were bugs on their bench, they wouldn’t know what I was saying anyways.  In this land of babble, it is easier (and more enjoyable) to just to sit back and watch the show of another group get attacked by green beetles. I have seen India Jones a hundred times (big secret – the guy who stands on one leg? Is the paid actor). But this is the first time I have seen The Attack Of The Green Beetles.

 

I suppose the beetles might be attacking as revenge for all the roaches we are killing back at the house. By the way, eleven dead insects versus 0 dead humans – we are winning! I read that there are more bugs in a square mile of dirt (not a cube, a square) than the entire population of humans. Each human would have to kill 100 million bugs for us to win the Star Troopers war!  With this obvious problem, I don’t understand why there is human starvation in the world.

 

We road on Star Tours. Or, as I call it, the vomit comet with pilot Lou-Up Chuck. The ride isn’t as bad as it used to be. When it first opened, you were almost guaranteed someone was going to pass up their lunch on the ride. Usually that someone was me. They redesigned the ride and now it is much better. You have a one in four chance of seeing someone puke.

 

After a fun day in the park, we road the tram back to our car. We walked with a crowd from the tram to our cars. In the crowd was a man and woman in their late forties. The man suddenly stops, pauses, and rips the loudest sloppiest fart I have ever heard. And then his wife pauses and rips and even louder fart. That is love! A couple that farts together stays together. After the momentary pause, they continued to their car unaffected, while those of us down wind held our breaths until we were blue in the face.

 

It really isn’t this couple’s fault. I give them no bad will. The bathrooms are so bad at Disney, I too have considered crapping myself to avoid using them. The toilet paper is the worse in the world. I can only imagine the execs at Disney sitting around the table at a meeting saying “We need to cut down on our costs, what can we do?” and someone says “I have designed a way to make the TP even thinner.” And the leader says “That is great news! How do we make our TP even thinner?” and the executive says “We weave sand paper grit into the TP fibers.” And the leader says “That is an awesome idea. Lets put it into production right away.” The execs pat each other on the back and collect a big bonus check at the end of the quarter. They should invite me into the meeting. I can tell them what to do! Disney is the chief of marketing all kinds of things: Mickey watches, and shirts, and pins and pens – they have everything! How about Disney Depends undergarments?  You are standing in that long two hour line and you don’t want to lose your place? Just let it go! And maybe there is a computer chip with Mickey’s voice that says “Way to go!”. That couple walking in front of us in the parking lot could really have used some Disney Depends. And think of the money Disney could save by shutting down all the bathrooms. This could be the single best idea Disney had had since bring back Michael Jack’s Captain Eo.

 

A wet but fun day at MGM was had by all. I hope this rain clears off because we have some fun activities planned for the rest of the month!

Florida project: Epcot

The day started with Breakfast at Ohana. This is an all you an gorge yourself meal broken up by character visits. We saw Mickey, stitch, lelo, and Pluto. The food was good.. But then again, it is difficult to screw up scrambled eggs.

Afterwards we headed to Epcot. The journeys into the park are a physical challenge. Not just because it is hot. And not just because we tend to walk for ten hours. But also because I am the family pack mule carrying almost everything anyone might want in my back pack. This includes heavy batteries for cameras and ten water bottles!

In National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Clark cuts down the neighbor's pine tree and drags it into his living room for a Christmas tree. What Clark didn't know was the tree was home to a squirrel who pounced on Clark. 

When I saw that scene in the movie I thought it was ridiculous. But I was reminded of it as we watched one of the many squirrels at Epcot. As we watched, a second squirrel out of no where pounced on the first and a wild chase started. It was fun to watch until the chase lead the squirrels running around my feet! I broke out dancing right there in Epcot as I tried to get away without stepping on one!

Epcot has an aquarium that has been remodeled after the Finding Nemo movie.  Mike loved the aquarium. It wasn't long before he wondered off. Finding Nemo turned into Finding Mike as we searched the place for him. We found him on the second floor trying to take a picture of a shark.

We walked around the world and visited various countries, dodging in and out of air conditioning. We rode on Malestorm, which is a wild boat ride where angry trolls send your boat down a waterfall. We boarded the boat, took off, rounded the first curve and the ride broke down. That should have been our first sign that we were in trouble! The ride started up again and when we hit the waterfall area, the ride broke us down a second time  leaving us suspended over the falls! Norweigens are known for building boats but obviously not for building rides. We are suspended over the falls when a voice comes on "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please remain seated". Technical difficulties? Does that mean the safety devices that pervent our boat from flipping over the falls are disabled? And remain seated? I was concerned that if I moved a mucle I might throw the boat off balance and send us hurdeling down the falls! The voice came back on "Please remain seated. We will be starting the ride momentarily". The thought crossed that perhaps they didn't know we were perilously suspending at the fall's edge. "The ride is starting now" and with one great shuv, our boat fell down the falls and we landed with a terrific splash. When the ride ended, I had never been more happy to be on dry ground, I almost knelt and kissed the carpet.

We survived Malestorm and made it to the USA area of Epcot. In the USA, they have singers who sing several historic US favorites in the lobby of the USA building. We really wanted to see this so we arrived twenty minutes early to get the best seats. inally the singers came out in 1800's costumes and lined up in the lobby to begin their songs... Lined up with their backs to us! We arrived early for this? The show would have been really good if we could have seen the singers.

At the end of the day we got into position to see the Iluminations fireworks show. This is where people stand around a lake and watch a light and fireworks show. A cast member had told us the best spot to watch the show was near France at the back of the park. But when we arrived, it was already crowded. We took the best spot we could find, which wasn't very good. For some reason, Disney has several islands on the lake whose only purpose is to grown tall obstructing trees. We tried watching the show through these trees. Who is the moron who grew trees in the middle of the lake? An hour with a chainsaw would have solved the problem and made thousands of people happy!

After the show everyone stampedes for the gates to get out of the park. Since we were in the back of the park, we were in the back of the hurd and had the longest trek to reach the gate. It felt like we walked five miles to get out of the park!

We arrived home, sore from walking so far, but glad we had a great day at Epcot.

Florida Project: Renting a vacation house

Someday, I would like to move to Florida – perhaps in retirement or sooner. We wanted to see what it was like to actually live in Florida. We thought the best way to do that was to rent a house for a duration of time. I was able to get approved to work from Florida for July, and the kids are off from school, so this was the perfect opportunity. All we needed to do was find a house. And to Linda’s credit? She did a great job.

 

If you search for house rentals near Disney World, you’ll find hundreds upon hundreds of them. Near Westgate, between Formosa Gardens Blvd and Old Lake Wilson Road, there are many subdivisions with street after street of vacation rentals. All of these are very close to the Disney property, and you can get to most parks in a ten to twenty minute drive.

 

There are many other subdivisions around the Kissimee area. And while they all look tempting, you must remember that traffic around Disney is heavy. It can sometimes take 30 minutes to go 10 miles. And while having Interstate 4 nearby seems like an advantage? Most people avoid I-4 due to the congestion.

 

To make our selection, we first developed a list of everything we needed and awarded points to each item. For example, it was essential the house had four bedrooms, so that would get a high score. A fifth bedroom was nice, but not necessary, so that received a small additional score. I really wanted a breakfast nook and a front yard facing bedroom. We needed TV’s in all the bedrooms. A game room in the garage was nice. Access to a park. A private pool. Location. And of course, price. All of these received points based upon our priority. We also delivered negative scores if the location had bad reviews.

 

We then searched and scored the properties. Because there are so many to choose from, we only picked the properties that had a perfect score and narrowed the list down to only a dozen.

 

We then contacted the owners to check for availability, tried to understand the rental agreements, understood all the fees and restrictions that were involved, etc.

 

As we further narrowed the list, we did checks on the owner and the property to make sure the taxes were paid. As we made our final decisions, we studied all the pictures to understand the house floor plan. We looked at google maps for a satellite view of the property. For us, it was very important to set our expectations about the house – we didn’t want to walk through the door and be disappointed.

 

After agreeing to the rental, we paid for everything through a credit card. The use of a credit card is good because (A) it can aid us should we need to dispute the charges, and (B) we use a Disney credit card that awards us points!!

 

Selecting the right house was stressful. But after we arrived, we knew we had made the right decision. We had never rented a vacation house before. But now that we have been through the process? I would not hesitate to do it again.

Florida Project: Animal Kingdom

We woke up and I offered to make breakfast. The house we are renting has a gas stove. I haven't used a gas stove in 25 years! The oven was easy to use - just hit the button, the oven lights, an all is good. So I put the pan on the stove and turned the knob. After checking on a few things, I returned to the disappointment that the pan was still cold. What happened? Apparently you have to turn the knob to LiGHT first. I didn't know that. Unfortunately, the kitchen was now filled with gas. So that when I turned the knob to light, I heard a loud "Woof" and found all the hairs on my arm burnt off. Linda came out of the bedroom and said "why does the house smell like gas?" And I just said "I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with the stove... Lets pick up breakfast on the way."

We headed to Animal Kingdom at the crack of noon. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day in Florida when we left. But as soon as we arrived at the park? Gilbert luck kicked in. Tropical Storm Chantal decided to pay a visit. At first, it was just a drizzle, which gave us enough time to jump into Pizza Safari before the skies opened and it down poured for an hour. This week there are many tour groups from Latin America visiting. They were caught in the down pour and cracking thunder and were running in herds for shelter anywhere they could find it.

Eventually the storm passed but it left most of the rides we wanted out of order. Animal Kingdom is our least favorite park. We live in the country surrounded by wilderness: bears, foxes, coyote, beaver, otters, deer, possum, and those guys that hang out at the corner down town. Walking on trails through the woods to see an animal is too much like home. If you love to zoo? Animal kingdom is for you. But not for us. Lion King and Nemo is good. Tough to be a Bug's 3D is very old and needs to be updated. Having all the rest of our favorite rides out if order made a bad park that much worse.

Before coming to Disney, Linda finished her first Karate class. If this class she learned how to break a board with her bare hand. She just leans into the punch and crack! The board breaks in half! I feel safe going into strange places now because I know my wife can defend me.

We walked around the Animal Kingdom and everything and everyone was soaking wet from the tropical down poor. The sun was starting to come out, but there was still a cold dampness to the air.

That it when it happened. A tall Brazilian  blond in her late twenties came by. She had been caught in the down poor and unfortunately wore a white shirt to the park. And I guess they don't wear bras in Brazil because this had the effect of a wet t-shirt. She seemed completely comfortable with her wardrobe malfunction.

Guys are wired just a certain way. It is unavoidable. When this woman came by, even a blind man would have turned his head to look. A gay man would had gawked. And me, being a normal healthy straight guy? It was impossible to not at least notice this. It was such an oddity to see in a family oriented park. This isnt a wet tshirt contest during spring break at Daytona Beach! This is Disney! And for her to be so oblivious to it seemed even more incredible.

Suddenly I heard a loud crack and pain shot through the entire left side of my body. Had I just been hit by lightening? Was this the last thing I would hear before seeing Jesus? No. Linda had delivered one if her board breaking karate punches into my arm. She followed it with "You look at her again and you are sleeping on the couch." My arm! My arm was now dead and limp for the rest of the day, useless, as a reminder of my innocent transgression. 

With Animal kingdom sucking worse than it normally sucks, we decided to leave and go to Down Town Disney. Unfortunately, everyone else decided this too. We parked at Down Town way out in the over flow parking lot's over flow lot.  We were so far away, it would have been faster to walk the other way around the lake to get to Down Town. After an hour fighting traffic and crowds we decided The place was  too packed. We walked around for a while, then gave up on any chance of doing something fun and left to find dinner.

Dinner was found at the Sizzler. We haven't been to a Sizzler since  our honeymoon in 1991 when Linda upset a waiter by giving him a dirty look for seating us so far away from the buffet. The Sizzler was an interesting experience. Like Ponderosa (or, Pound of Gross Out, as we used to call it when they were still open in new York), you order a meal and eat at a buffet and take your meal home. And afterward had the additional benefit of cleaning you out gastronomically. 

We returned home is desperate need to use a restroom. But the sprinklers were on again. Faced with getting wet or crapping myself, I ran through the sprinklers and became more wet in that dash than Tropical Storm Chantal had made me all day. 

I woke today, rubbing my still sore arm. Hoping today will be a better day!

Florida Project: Magic Kingdom

I decided to take my coffee this morning to the pool, but as I grabbed for the door I noticed something was in the pool. An alligator? Otter? No! It was the neighbor’s head bobbing up and down in the five foot area. I know, you are asking “Why would the neighbor be in your pool?” The owner of the home we rent pays the neighbor to do all the maintenance, which includes pool cleaning. He was in the pool with a long brush scrubbing the sides of the pool. I guess that if you are going to clean a pool, you might as well enjoy the pool by getting in!

 

An update on our Star Troopers style battle? 9 dead bugs versus 0 dead humans.

 

Every morning we have our work lists. There are no playing or TV watching until each person completes their list. With military precision, we move through the work list every day. I serve the role of the drill sergeant – barking out orders, keeping everyone on task, and degrading their sorry performance.

 

Yesterday, we were under the constant threat of thunderstorms. Several had moved in, and there was rumbling all morning in the distance. So, we figured it would be a perfect day to go visit the Magic Kingdom.

 

The Magic Kingdom has several additions since we had visited in 2011. There is a Fantasy Land expansion that has opened which is excellent. I thought the Fantasy Land expansion as completed, but they are still working on the Snow White area. In Peter Pan Ride tradition, there is a little mermaid ride that takes you through most of the story. I say “Most” because they get about midway through the story, then abruptly fast forward to the end… thank you for coming… good bye. We each had a giant cinnamon roll at Gaston’s. The cinnamon rolls must have been the size of bowling balls! And at Belle’s castle, we were treated to an adventure where we traveled into the story book and actually met Belle.

 

Also new is an interactive game like Kim Possible (or for those familiar, it is like MagiQuest). You are sent on a mission around the Magic Kingdom to fight off a villain. Ours was to rescue the puppies from Crudela around Main Street. You have to find these hidden portals, wave your identification card, and then a hidden video screen will play a message with clues. We had fun, and it gave it an opportunity to see Main Street in a way we normally wouldn’t have taken the time to see. It was fun, but time consuming. I don’t recommend playing the game unless you frequent the parks.

 

The crowds are very heavy this time of the year at Disney. Fighting your way through the crowds is made additionally difficult when combating people with double wide strollers. There are narrow channels between people who are standing in the walk way gawking, and it is difficult to get through. But then add a double-side stroller and you get people-grid-lock.

 

A new challenge I hadn’t seen in previous years? Walking while texting. You thought it was only dangerous while driving? People are doing this in the crowded parks! It becomes very dangerous to avoid getting run into by a distracted walker. I can only imagine the rate this epidemic is spreading will lead to serious park injuries that Disney will need to address with bumper guards around fountains and attractions.

 

It was fairly warm as well. At first the heat didn’t bother me, but as the day went on I was putting my deodorant to the test. We each entered the park with two bottles of water and quickly learned that wasn’t enough. I refilled my bottle with bathroom sink water, all the time thinking “I really hope they don’t recycle the toilet water to the sinks". It tasted like recycled toilet water. Anyone who knows me knows I like to pinch a penny, so, recycled toilet water or not, that is what I drank. To help mask the tainted flavor, I poured a lemonade flavoring packet into the bottle. That made it taste like lemonade flavored toilet water.


As we looked at others around the park, we couldn't understand why they weren't drenched with sweat like we were. I suppose we haven't adjusted from our cool northern climate. I was so drenched that I would have changed my clothes half way through the park if I had thought to bring an extra set. It wasn't like the heat and the sweat were unbarable. We would be in the heat stroking out in a bath of sweat, then enter an air conditioned ride or store and the sweat would freeze. When we returned to the heat, it took a while for the sweat to thaw, so, in that way - we were creating our own portable cooling systems.
 

We took advantage of the time between the Disney fireworks and the Disney electric parade to jump onto some rides with short lines. When the electric parade ended it was well after 11pm, so we fought the massive crowds to get back to our car. From the Disney World parking lot to our house? Was a short 12 minute drive.

Florida project: Winter Garden

Last night we took a trip to Winter Garden and ate at a Mexican restaurant name Tosquitoes. There were four kids (13 to 17) who played music for tips. The food was great. The music was great.

I had heard great things about Winter Garden and wanted to check it out should we ever decide someday in the far future we might want to move there. I researched all the houses we could afford so we could see what the neighborhoods looked like. I then plotted a map for the most efficient investigation as we drove around town.

Unfortunately, we didn't see much because everything was in gated communities.

Disappointed, we decided to head back to our house. Doing so requires taking a toll road. As we approached the toll booth we had two choices: speed pass or exact change. 

I slowly approached the exact change lane because I didn't know how much it cost. It said Lane Closed. I didn't want a ticket so I started backing out of the ramp. But as I saw how fast the cars were coming I realized that wasn't an option.

We returned to the booth. I didn't know what to do. So I started tossing quarters into the net. After ten quarters the booth still wouldn't let me pass! What was I to do? I hit the gas and floored it, squeezing out of the booth. The booth's loud klaxon alarm started firing and red lights were blinking. My hope was if I blew through the booth fast enough my license plate would be a blur on the camera and I won't get a ticket! Now, I will probably get a ticket for not paying the toll and for speeding.