Florida Project: Animal Kingdom

We woke up and I offered to make breakfast. The house we are renting has a gas stove. I haven't used a gas stove in 25 years! The oven was easy to use - just hit the button, the oven lights, an all is good. So I put the pan on the stove and turned the knob. After checking on a few things, I returned to the disappointment that the pan was still cold. What happened? Apparently you have to turn the knob to LiGHT first. I didn't know that. Unfortunately, the kitchen was now filled with gas. So that when I turned the knob to light, I heard a loud "Woof" and found all the hairs on my arm burnt off. Linda came out of the bedroom and said "why does the house smell like gas?" And I just said "I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with the stove... Lets pick up breakfast on the way."

We headed to Animal Kingdom at the crack of noon. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day in Florida when we left. But as soon as we arrived at the park? Gilbert luck kicked in. Tropical Storm Chantal decided to pay a visit. At first, it was just a drizzle, which gave us enough time to jump into Pizza Safari before the skies opened and it down poured for an hour. This week there are many tour groups from Latin America visiting. They were caught in the down pour and cracking thunder and were running in herds for shelter anywhere they could find it.

Eventually the storm passed but it left most of the rides we wanted out of order. Animal Kingdom is our least favorite park. We live in the country surrounded by wilderness: bears, foxes, coyote, beaver, otters, deer, possum, and those guys that hang out at the corner down town. Walking on trails through the woods to see an animal is too much like home. If you love to zoo? Animal kingdom is for you. But not for us. Lion King and Nemo is good. Tough to be a Bug's 3D is very old and needs to be updated. Having all the rest of our favorite rides out if order made a bad park that much worse.

Before coming to Disney, Linda finished her first Karate class. If this class she learned how to break a board with her bare hand. She just leans into the punch and crack! The board breaks in half! I feel safe going into strange places now because I know my wife can defend me.

We walked around the Animal Kingdom and everything and everyone was soaking wet from the tropical down poor. The sun was starting to come out, but there was still a cold dampness to the air.

That it when it happened. A tall Brazilian  blond in her late twenties came by. She had been caught in the down poor and unfortunately wore a white shirt to the park. And I guess they don't wear bras in Brazil because this had the effect of a wet t-shirt. She seemed completely comfortable with her wardrobe malfunction.

Guys are wired just a certain way. It is unavoidable. When this woman came by, even a blind man would have turned his head to look. A gay man would had gawked. And me, being a normal healthy straight guy? It was impossible to not at least notice this. It was such an oddity to see in a family oriented park. This isnt a wet tshirt contest during spring break at Daytona Beach! This is Disney! And for her to be so oblivious to it seemed even more incredible.

Suddenly I heard a loud crack and pain shot through the entire left side of my body. Had I just been hit by lightening? Was this the last thing I would hear before seeing Jesus? No. Linda had delivered one if her board breaking karate punches into my arm. She followed it with "You look at her again and you are sleeping on the couch." My arm! My arm was now dead and limp for the rest of the day, useless, as a reminder of my innocent transgression. 

With Animal kingdom sucking worse than it normally sucks, we decided to leave and go to Down Town Disney. Unfortunately, everyone else decided this too. We parked at Down Town way out in the over flow parking lot's over flow lot.  We were so far away, it would have been faster to walk the other way around the lake to get to Down Town. After an hour fighting traffic and crowds we decided The place was  too packed. We walked around for a while, then gave up on any chance of doing something fun and left to find dinner.

Dinner was found at the Sizzler. We haven't been to a Sizzler since  our honeymoon in 1991 when Linda upset a waiter by giving him a dirty look for seating us so far away from the buffet. The Sizzler was an interesting experience. Like Ponderosa (or, Pound of Gross Out, as we used to call it when they were still open in new York), you order a meal and eat at a buffet and take your meal home. And afterward had the additional benefit of cleaning you out gastronomically. 

We returned home is desperate need to use a restroom. But the sprinklers were on again. Faced with getting wet or crapping myself, I ran through the sprinklers and became more wet in that dash than Tropical Storm Chantal had made me all day. 

I woke today, rubbing my still sore arm. Hoping today will be a better day!